Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
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drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.