Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
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if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice