Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
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i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
All of my best ideas involve jail time.