rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.