rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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No one can handle that
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
How to draw a duck
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me