rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
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The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.