Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”