Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
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Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?