Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

ㅤ

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Thursday

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what