Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.