Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
all bases covered
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)