Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven