Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

#catsoftwitter

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”