Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

I put the hot in psychotic.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

I am thick and tired. 🙄

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out