Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
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5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m having an out of money experience.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
They’re stuck in your pants?
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children