RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done