RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Stonehinge
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
People buying plungers never look happy.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do