Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

🥴

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us