Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”