RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat