RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Just added something to my bucket list.
If you want my opinion ask my wife