Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

THE DOG😭😭💀

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.