rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.