Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

You can’t rush stupid.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us