rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Tell the colonel to bring it
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”