RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat