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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”