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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
smh
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much