Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.