Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Had to try this trend 😊

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

Happy Halloween 🎃

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

[the middle of showering] I need a break

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.