Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.