Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Banana is the quietest snack

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?