RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
That’s no pocket rocket.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.