RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
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Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.