Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.