RT if you could go either way.
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(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me when my alarm goes off
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen