RT if you could go either way.
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I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?