RT if you could go either way.
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My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
there’s probably a fee though
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive