RT if you could go either way.
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.