RT if you know someone like this!!!
You Might Also Like
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Now who done made this a sport lmao
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.