RT if you know someone like this!!!
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Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Kids: Stay in school.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.