RT if you know someone like this!!!
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
One venti cheeseburger please.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
How do dragons blow out candles?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox