@LuckyPetDeals

RT if you know someone like this!!!

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@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@GabbbarSingh

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

@DaddyJew

Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.

@MoneypennyNaked

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

@daddydoubts

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

@Tylerosis

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

@Brainy_Bear

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.