RT if you know someone like this!!!

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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan


The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.


Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting


Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.


Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*


Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.


What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?


The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.