@LuckyPetDeals

RT if you know someone like this!!!

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@Cheeseboy22

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

@online_rat

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

@Brampersandon_

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@aspiringtoucan

BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know

@seamussaid

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

@IamEveryDayPpl

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me maโ€™am at the gym.