{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat