rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning