rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.