Rt to bother an English speaker
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Best spot.. 😅
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.