Rt to bother an English speaker
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Guilty! 🤪
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO