Rt to bother an English speaker
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
concern
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I like crazy people until they notice me
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.