Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
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DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.