Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You Might Also Like
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
