Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.