Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)