Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
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Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Comparing yourself to others
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
nobody’s gonna understand
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”