Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
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PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.