Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
You Might Also Like
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
mom gave me mine for free
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”