Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
He instantly became one of the bros
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh