Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person