Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
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“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
all that yoga finally paid off
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!