Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Merica.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
not to brag, but mine was free
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker