Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Solving a traffic jam
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
fair
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.