Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex