Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…