Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

I feel it

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.