#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg