Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

True statement👍😏😁

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it