Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.