Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less