Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.