Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?