Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.