Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

first you must answer his riddles

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.