Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

lol

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando