Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

lol

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.