Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Beware of fowl play.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*