Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook