Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*