Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

🤣

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Y’all ready for this

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple