Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

Sharon I have some bad news

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Nose

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.