Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

🙄😏😂🤣

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.